I know you

I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar agleam
and I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream


ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.
I'm going to take a break from the regular reporting of the week by week pregnancy updates. Basically, I just need a place to commiserate on my feelings. I'm probably pathetic. I don't care.

So if you don't want to hear pathetic rambling about low self esteem in a woman who got herself pregnant, feel free to move on.

Here goes:

Apparently, when you're pregnant, you're supposed to reminisce on the good and bad parts of being...pregnant. From numerous sources I found that this is the "norm." "Write it down, even if it sucks," is what I've been told. So here goes.

For 6+ months prior to getting pregnant, I joyfully (sometimes) scurried down the road of vitality and fitness. Literally,  I was the healthiest I've ever been in my life. Self confidence, as a rule, was something that I had detrimentally lacked in the years before last. But, dude, I was killin' it last year. The first fitness competition I ever competed in, I came in third. These are feats I never thought I'd ever accomplish, mostly because I didn't have the motivation.

But here's the real:
The first trimester of this pregnancy, I was obnoxiously sick. I was "call out of work" and "unable to function sick". I quickly lost 10+ lbs. The slightest amount of physical exertion caused me to vomit excessively. The last time I went to bootcamp, I was literally vomiting the entire time. It was then, that I decided that health of my unborn child had to come before physical fitness. I found myself saying, "I'll get back to that. I'll be back. Once this sickness passess, I'll be back."

The sickness didn't give me a break until around week 16. And, even then, I found myself easily fatigued, and periodically vomiting in the middle of the night. At 20+ weeks, I'm already gasping for breath and experiencing symptoms that many women don't deal with until well into the third trimester.

But, the lack of physical activity hasn't been my ultimate downfall. I found that the more weight I gained, the more depressed I felt. Looking at my husband, hearing about him going on runs and working out with his coworkers...caused the wound to fester. You find yourself resentful that your significant other gets to keep his body, gets to continue with life as normal. I found myself heartbroken over this.

What is my husband going to do with me when I'm the biggest I've ever been in my life?  When I grow stretch marks? When I take up the entire bed? People are most certainly going to talk about him behind his back because he is so healthy and has such a unhealthy looking wife.

Rest assured that my husband is extremely supportive. He showers me with compliments and accolades. He has done nothing but encourage me. He constantly tells me I'm beautiful and loved, that I'm strong and will be a wonderful mother to our son.

So what's a girl that has always had body image difficulty do? Here's what she does: She eats her feelings. I found myself saying, "It's okay. I'll lose it all again when the baby gets here. I'll be alright." Back to old habits. Back to feeling weighted down by the grossness of gross food. This is where I've been.

Here's the realist real:
I can't speak for other pregnant women. I honestly cannot. However, I'm sure that I'm not the only one who's experienced/currently experiencing #thestruggle (yep, did that).

When I was a little girl, I imagined that I'd be this cute little tiny pregnant lady. And now, it seems, that everywhere I look there are all these cute, little pregnant ladies. Maybe others perceive me as one of these number. But, the truth is, I won't be one of these women. I don't know that anyone truly is one of these women, in their own minds.

My body is not my own. What a petrifying predicament. Even with proper diet (because I have been more careful lately) the scale continues it's upward climb...higher into numbers I never dreamed of hitting.



Let me tell you what doesn't help people in my position:

"You should just be grateful that you're pregnant and stop complaining."

Singularly the most hurtful phrase that I've heard all pregnancy. Yes, it's been said to me.
So basically, woman to woman, I'm not ALLOWED to feel body image issues because I have been blessed to carry a child?

In the beginning of this adventure, I wasn't sure how I felt about bringing new life into the world. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, I quickly found myself terrified, confused and about every other negative descriptive word that you can think of.

However, I've felt this baby move. I've cried as a doctor told me something could potentially be wrong with him. I've called him by his name. I've cradled this growing belly as I fell asleep. We've talked about his future, about little league and Disney World and red hair and about every thing that can be looked forward to. If anything were to happen to this baby, I would be lost. The only thing scarier than my future with him, would be my future without him. I understand that I am blessed beyond measure. Trust me. More than anything, I understand.

Please know, that I am SO grateful for this baby. I understand that many women would give anything to be in this position.

But, to allude to the fact that because a woman has issues with her body because of what pregnancy is doing to it, makes her ungrateful for that pregnancy, is completely heartbreaking. Talk about being made to feel crappy on top of feeling like crap.


With that said...

I've been making some proactive steps to reversing the damage that *I* have inflicted upon myself. I've been attempting to add in my physical activity to my routine, eat better and more balanced, etc. I've gotten up to about 2L of water per day, which is a far cry from the 4L I was doing prior to pregnancy (water was a trigger for vomiting for 16 weeks), but I'm on my way.

I've looked into crossfit gyms for post pregnancy in Beaufort and have found some really good options. I've registered for a jogging stroller (which I expect no one to get, but I really want to the 10% completion coupon when Henry gets here so I can get it myself). I've looked into programs on base, since I will no longer be working full time. We've talked about purchasing a stand up paddle board since we'll be living on the water, etc.

Progress is progress, and I look forward to attempting to enjoy what's left of this pregnancy. I can, however, make you a 100% or your money back guarantee that I'll be having days of self loathing and mortal depreciation. The lesson here is that I would not give up my child because of those feelings. But, the feelings are real...none the less.

Always,

A pregnant lady with body issues, who loves her son completely.

Song of the Day:

Once Upon a Dream

by Lana Del Ray