my heart sinks as I jump up
your hand grips hand as my eyes shut
ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.
17+2.
Tomato and I celebrated 4 years of wedded bliss. 4 years. Not quite 5, but a lifetime all the same.
What can you fit in four years? Three moves, multiple vacations, one (thank God only one) deployment, multiple training exercises, a second dog, homeownership, the selling of our first home, living apart for 3 years, and the start of our first pregnancy. Of course, there has been more than that.
Our lives are about to change considerably come October. I don't think there is anything we can do to prepare ourselves fully for what the future brings. However, we look forward to little league, guitar lessons, family vacations, Christmas, birthdays and the new holidays we'll be able to celebrate (the birth of our child, Mother's Day, Father's Day) with a new excitement.
Tomato and I have had a lot of fun in the years we've spent together. My husband has been my one and only since I was 19 years old. I love him more with each second we know each other. There has never been a more perfect person in my eyes. Even though the future scares me to death, I know that I have the best partner in the world beside me. So, we'll raise a glass (of sparkling grape juice) to new adventures, our beautiful future children, numerous dog walks and military shenanigans. This life is ours, and it's perfect. No exaggeration.
Also, for my anniversary, Tomato got me baby furniture.
Best. Ever.
17+6.
I'm pretty sure the baby kicked me. I was sitting down documenting at work and BAM electric second of bladder spasm. I almost peed myself. Then, the sensation went away as quickly as it came. That's never happened to me before while not pregnant...so I'm pretty sure my son made his movement debut by using my bladder as his trampoline. Nice one. No cute little flips are butterflies for me.
I can tell this kid has my personality already. God help him.
18+2.
I've thought long and hard about sharing the following information at this juncture. Mostly, because I don't really know anything yet. I still know very little definitive information, but after much prayer, discussions with my doctor, etc I feel like I am in a place where reassurance and education has helped me more than hindered.
At my 16 week prenatal appointment, I chose to defer genetic testing. Mostly, because the results weren't something that mattered to me. If my baby had Down's, I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy. I can't think of a circumstance where that would ever be a decision I would make. There is a reason this becomes important.
At my anatomy scan at 18+2 the baby was found to have a "bright spot" on his heart. The technical name for this "anomaly" is Echogenic Intracardiac Focus (EIF), or calcium deposit in the heart muscle. This will not effect anything in the heart. It still pumps normally, has sound structure, etc. Of course I didn't know about this finding while the ultrasound was being performed. All I could see was my perfect little baby, growing and measuring a week ahead in everything (seriously 19+2). It wasn't until after the scan while sitting in the office did my OB say anything to me.
"Your baby has a bright spot on his heart. We see this a lot."
"What is a lot?"
"Approximately 30%."
"What does it mean?"
"We consider this a soft marker for Down's Syndrome. All we do is recommend that you follow up with the high risk doctor to get it looked at better."
"Wait..how many of that 30% have Down's?"
"About 5% have a genetic issue. We don't have any genetic testing results because you opted out of testing. But, he doesn't seem to have any other markers, so the chances are slim of him having any issues."
"What should I do?"
There were a lot of uncomfortable silences, more mentions of "high risk doctors", genetic testing, talk about ultrasounds, nervous laughter and the weird silence of someone talking to you, but you not hearing them...
Something could be abnormal with my baby? This baby that I haven't even gotten used to yet? This baby that I don't know. This baby that I've been so disconnected with to this point.
Then, something happened inside of me. As I was sitting silent in the car, Tomato reassuring me that everything was normal and fine...I realized that I LOVE this child. That you could do anything you wanted to me, as long as my baby was healthy. Then, everything got loud. All I could hear was the bad, all the bad things that could be wrong. I broke down crying and stayed up all night researching, watching and re-watching his ultrasound DVD, asking questions, getting reassurance from friends and generally getting my ducks in a row.
The next day, I marched myself back down to the doctor's office and asked as many questions as my brain could make up.
I'm glad to say that now I feel much better. I know that this finding, is in fact, VERY normal. And that in 99% of cases, this finding means nothing. It usually disappears before the third trimester. Apparently, many doctor's HATE telling patients about it, because it causes unnecessary stress. I opted to have the blood work done that day. I made this decision because IF anything is out of the ordinary, I want to be prepared for it.
At this point, I'm confident that he'll be a-ok. We have a more in depth ultrasound scheduled for Monday with the high risk doctor. I'm not stressing about it. Like I said, I feel much better about the situation and this is practically the only thing in my life that I won't allow myself to stress over.
The take away from this situation, for me, was the realization of how much I cared about this child inside of me. How much I LOVE him. How much it would KILL me if something happened to him. The realization that his feeling will never go away, no matter how old he is. No matter how tall he gets. No matter anything.
Ever since that office visit, I have been anxiously waiting for him to kick me, punch me, MMA fighter style drop kick my bladder...anything. Every now and then, I feel "movements" that I believe are him.
But so far, the second trimester has been okay as far as symptoms. It's just the weird in between of not being sick anymore, not feeling your baby move, and a small baby bump that just looks frighteningly like a beer gut. This is the scary part. Just wanting to know that everything is okay, but not getting reassurance from the inside or the outside. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
God continues to test my faith. I have faith that I will have a healthy little boy.
Little boy,
You are so perfect. You are so loved.
Love,
Your Mom
(I can't believe I can say that.)
18+5.
I went to Disney World. Like a boss.
This was also Mother's Day, and even though I'm not a mother yet, I got some of the sweetest messages ever from friends and family.
Anyway, this was the most perfect day ever to announce the name of our little bundle. Hey, I'm at my favorite place in the world on Mother's Day, after all.
So in true Ashley fashion, I had his first Mickey ears made.
Henry James Warren.
Perfect.
So, what made ya'll choose this name?
We kind of knew this was going to be our first son's name for about four years now.
I've always been obsessed with the name Henry, and thankfully Timmy has a family connection to the name. James, is also his grandfather's name.
It was adorable when we told Papa the baby's name. I don't think he could have grinned any bigger.
So, a name we loved...that honors Timmy's maternal (Henry James) and paternal (Warren) families. It's a name of his own, but also a name that is sentimental.
I don't know how many people who've approached us with "That name is perfect! It's a name that suits you guys. It just sounds right!" It just validates us further.
I can't wait to meet this ginger prince.
So about Disney World?
Duh, I loved it! This go round I went with my little sister, Becca and my seven year old nephew. Jonathan had the time of his life. I know we stayed out too late, haha. I just loved the excitement in his eyes after riding Tower of Terror, or having breakfast with Mickey, or eating lunch in the Beast's Castle or riding the Peter Pan ride. The tales of horror of "It's a Small World", the splashing in the pool, the realization that Sorcerer Mickey has the same hat as him, or the fact that the world showcase for Japan was full of Pokemon gear. I loved living WDW through the eyes of a 7 year old. I loved the hilarity of hearing the wish, "I wish Pokemon were real" during the fireworks.
I cannot wait to do these things with Henry. I cannot wait to go back to Disney World period.
I'm so glad that I got to share this special time with Jonathan. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to take him and watch him. Fabulous.
In other news....
There's not really any other news.
I kind of feel bad that my whole life revolves around pregnancy stories. But, then again, not really.
I will say that since going "PRN" at work, I feel like a mountain of added stress has been taken from my shoulders. It's wonderful.
TOMATO, THE HUBS.
Tomato has had a bit of extended leave after checking out of Camp Lejuene. He's used the time to help around his home turf, and arguably used it to purchase "OMG THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE" an M1 Garand. What is this you ask? It's a WWII firearm. "The best gun ever made." "I have to have this." "I won't ask for another thing in my life." "I need 200 rounds of 30-06." "Oh yeah, I have to drive to Alabama to get it."
So yeah, the hubs drove to Alabama before I even woke up to go to Florida to purchase said gun. He is like a kid in a candy store.
Aside from exciting firearm purchases, the hubs has been PT'ing for his move to Parris Island, reassuring me that all is okay with Henry, doing chores, writing FITREPS (more Marine stuff), messing with uniforms, clearing roads, cutting grass, allowing my dog to swim in ponds, attending high school and college baseball games, hanging out with old friends, etc.
I think he's *mostly* enjoying leave.
I'm just glad he's been around. I find it hard not to get attached to the guy. He's just so adorable...even if he loves the gun more than me.
THE BOYS.
Zero, went with Timmy to the lowcountry during my Disney vacation. Apparently he had a blast swimming in ponds, playing fetch and doing other things on "Zero's Top 10 List."
Alpha stayed with Mimi and got to sleep with her at night. That's quite an accomplishment. However, now I feel like I'm going to have to pry him from her cold dead fingers when I leave. He's also found a new streak of bravery and is constantly barking at the bulldogs and the playstation. Seriously, this dog hates gaming. I like it.
Song of the Day:
Breezeblocks by Alt-J
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