The rush creates

An impact on the current mental state

And some would say that it's wrong

But I find more joy in coaxing with a gun

And the expression of the chaos we've become

ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.

Do you ever get that feeling that something bad is going to happen? You get this feeling because a lot of good things have been happening or are happening? It's no secret that I'm an uptight, anxious, worried, panicky, stress riddled ginger. This is something that I've, unfortunately, struggled with for what is now been the majority of my life. I remember as a child of like 11 waking up in the middle of the night to place my fingers under my siblings noses just to make sure they were breathing. No joke.

So, here we are (Timmy and I), three days from closing on our first home and I can't seem to stop hyperventilating. Commitment. I hate that word. I hate what it means. Always have. Some may say, "But Ashley, you've already made the biggest commitment of your life!" My reply is as follows: marrying Tomato was not easy for me. Not because I didn't love him, but because I was scared. I was scared of the word marriage, I was scared of what it meant. I was afraid of having to depend on someone when I worked so hard to be independent. I was scared of being a "military wife". I was scared of having to share money, share a dwelling, share a dog, share the remote control of my television. Stupid, huh? No, not really. As it turns out, there are many people scared of marriage...as they should be. My whole life changed.

With all that said, I'm at least here to tell you that it changed for the better. I married my best friend. I married...what is probably the most wonderful man on the face of planet earth. I knew that before I did it. I knew there was nothing better, but as it turns out...I was still scared.

Here's another scenario: buying the Civic. That was a nightmare. Though I was approved for the car loan...on my own, knew I could pay for it...on my own and knew that I NEEDED it...it was still the most difficult decision of my life. You can ask Mr. Dan or Tomato...I don't know how many times I asked, "Are we sure I can do this? Is this the right idea? Am I doing the right thing? Are you sure?" I was really quite annoying. I still am. It's my best feature really.

Now, we're buying a house...I feel like my life, is literally spinning out of control. I'm on a crazy tilt-a-whirl...and not even a bougie anchored down one. I'm talking put up in 8 hours at the state fair tilt-a-whirl. Buying a house means that I will be staying in Lexington, no matter what my husband decides to do with his military career. It means that I plan to fill some of these rooms with tiny ginger kids. It means that I have to pay a mortgage, pay utilities, put up Christmas trees and decide color schemes. It means...that I'm kind of letting parts of myself go. That's completely stupid. It's just really driving home that my life has turned into something completely different than I had originally planned.

This is hard for me to let go. Is it for the best? Definitely. Am I happy? Yes, but it's bittersweet.

Can I still do the things I wanted to do with my life? Of course, I can! Who am I anyway? I'm a boss...that's who.

The point is that I'm nervous. If I were a nail biter...well...you get the idea.

TOMATO, THE HUBS.

...will be gone a total of 6 months tomorrow. Half a year. That's crazy.

I can't wait for him to get home. I just imagine the scene in my head millions of times over.

We're getting closer. Closer and closer darling. Every minute, we're closer.

ZERO, THE DRAGON.

I've been calling him "the beast" sometimes. He loves it.

The Dictionary of Ashley

Nom (v./n./adj.): food, not just any food. Amazing food. Food that doesn't make you want to vom. It can also be used to describe the action of eating great food. It can also be used to describe the tastiness of wonderful food. It is a very versatile word.

Example:

"I went to this sushi place yesterday and there were some epic noms there."

or

"That fried chicken was so nommy."

or

"Nom. Nom. Nom."

or

"I'm gonna zombie nom your face."

MY FAVORITE SPOT ON CAMPUS

Just thought you'd like to know.

Song of the Day:

To Buy a Gun by Idiot Pilot