Welcome to my life.
The life of a Marine's wife,
registered nurse,
dog owner,
wanna-be photographer,
and budding writer.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Once upon a different life

We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we're caught against the tide
Those distant days all flashing by



Today, I cleaned out my closet.
I had clothing in there that I've not worn since my Senior year of high school, when I began to feel like my life was actually my own. I held onto these things because "they were going to come back in style" or "I'm going to be small enough to wear it again." Both of which, have yet to happen. I seriously doubt that either will.

Maybe they will come back in style, but most likely, some trendy hipster will pick them up from Goodwill and wear them better than I ever did. Perhaps, someone will look at those remnants of a time when I was younger and fall in love with that particular item on the same level I did.

Some of these pieces of clothing have been with me since I could fit all my worldly possessions in a small linen closet. Because that's what I did when I was 16 years old. I moved into a home with a family I barely knew, shoved all my things (neatly!) into a linen closet the size of a broom closet and slept on an air mattress in the living room until I woke myself up for school or work the next morning. A cycle that was largely unchanged until a few months later when my now family moved into a new home (that was the equivalent of a mansion in my eyes). This house had a foundation made of bricks, a kitchen with a garbage disposal and a bedroom of my very own.

Then, there were the years of college. Friendships were forged and my worldview expanded on immeasurable levels. My mouth opened...and it never closed. I met my husband and hand in hand...we made a life with each other. A life that was completely and immeasurably different that any life I could have imagined would ever exist. For me. For anyone.

I spent this entire year as a wife
. A normal wife that got wasn't separated from her husband by any geographical distance. I was able to experience the wonder of having a partner to walk this life with. His love is like no other I've ever experienced.

And today, some of the clothing placed into the "donate" box were those that I wore while walking with him in the park. Clothes that I wore on our first date. The dress I wore to my bachelorette party. But, I know how his hand feels in mine. I remember the strangeness of our first date. I remember the music in his car. I remember living off $100 per month and feeling like we were the richest people that ever were...I remember the joy in the prospect of getting to spend my life with him. Then, I remember saying "I do" and being so overwhelmed with emotion...with love.

I spent this entire year as a mother. A job title that I certainly never imagined for myself. It's been an adventure, to say the least. I've learned more about myself in 365 days than I ever imagined was possible. Being a mother changes you on a microscopic level. It's nothing that can be explained, but all mothers can look at each other...and know. We know the beauty, the struggle, the largeness, the smallness, the heartbreak, the panic, the joy and the feeling of looking at your child and just staring at him while he finds joy in the most mundane things. The world and everything in it is just so much more... Every emotion, so much larger.

And eventually, I will purge the clothing that marked motherhood. I will remember my son toddling toward me with a grin that touched both his ears. I will remember snuggling with him on the couch every morning. I will remember the smell of his hair after he gets out the bathtub. I will remember sobbing in the preschool while I wrote the check for his first week of classes. I will remember that he was a journey that I never imagined that I would live. He is part of a life that I never imagined I would live.

But, now my closet is lined with empty hangers. The promise of memories to be made...

During my existential crisis of throwing out the material that tied me to my past, I remembered a party from my college days...and 80's themed party to be exact. I remember going to Goodwill and picking out the most obviously 80's outfit you can imagine. Think big gold buttons, shoulder pads, blue eyeshadow and larger than life patterns. Then, I remembered that there was some woman, somewhere in the world who also wore that outfit. Maybe she was on her first job interview. Maybe she was a business lady who dropped her little son off at daycare. Maybe she was also in college and wore it to her first day of class. Maybe it's part of the wardrobe that she fit into a linen closet.

So, here's to the journey! Here's to the lives we build. Here's to coming up and moving on. Here's to to a New Year full of new possibilities, new adventures, new heartbreaks, and more joy than we could ever imagine.

With love, Happy New Year!



Song of the Day:
Hold Back The River by James Bay

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