Love

You've captured me again
Love
You steal my heart

ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.
So, I don't know what could ever beat the obvious news. So, to restate the obvious: Timmy and I are going to have a child. A real, honest to God, baby. Most likely a red head. I'm like 99% sure it's gonna be red headed.

WHAT?! It's not a dog, I promise. That would be really awkward, considering it's making my abdomen pooch out uncomfortably and is causing me to burp uncontrollably.

So here's the timeline on that (without some obviously left out details):

I was in Europe most of the middle of January (which was AWESOME), and I promise that I'll blog about that experience once I get some photos back. I've got some epic superlatives lined up.

I came home on January 25. I had a bad cold.

January 26: I was like "What the heck, I'll take a pregnancy test. You know, just to make sure I don't hop an embryo up on cough syrup. It's a long shot anyway, we're not really trying or anything."

BAZINGA. Before I could even finish urinating the stick was already reading positive. So, I positively took 7 more pregnancy tests (I'm not even kidding right now) and promptly hyperventilated into the arms of my wide-eyed, equally as shocked husband.

Then, we went to church. I prayed. I asked myself "What in the world am I going to do?" I begged God to ease my mind and held onto my husband's hand like it was the last bread crumb that was ever going to be offered to me.

I was 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant.

...I wasn't kidding about the tests. Seriously, I invested over $50 in disbelief.

5 weeks, 4 days
I began vomiting more than I ever have in my life. It got a lot worse.
The day of snowpacalypse 2014, will forever live in infamy. Not because it snowed. But, because I was so ill I could barely lift my head. I was snowed in with no electricity and no way of leaving my home safely.

This one time I got food poisoning from Olive Garden. I haven't eaten there in 5 years.
This was worse.
But, I digress. However, like the day I was puking up spaghetti, I will always detest the snow. Always.
ALWAYS.



7 weeks, 2 days with child.
I saw a flickering teeny tiny heart beat.
152 beats per minute.
I smiled.
Then, I vomited.

12 weeks, 1 day knocked up.
Sarah went with me to my second ultrasound appointment.
We have a real baby. A baby that bounces up and down, lounges back on it's arms, sucks it's thumb and does flips in my belly that I can't feel.
I smiled again.
I puked a little less.

13 weeks impregnated.

Come on, it was April Fool's Day. You can't waste that. 

It's not a joke if you're telling the truth. 

So, with the help of one of my very best friends, Valerie, we created a really cute social media announcement (our immediate family and CLOSE CLOSE friends knew about the pregnancy WAY before this, between 4-8 weeks).

It was epic.

The pictures were released periodically throughout the day, leading up to the big reveal right before bed time. :)

Now, we're here (14 weeks, 4 days).

There are many truths I've come to terms with. There are also many shocking pregnancy related shenanigans occurring that I can't wrap my head around. So to those first time moms and people curious about what pregnancy has done to me:

1. Shock, disbelief and grief are normal. 

I'm not going to lie, when I first saw that positive pink line, I immediately began sobbing. My marriage is great. I expected we'd be trying for at least a few months. I never imagined that we would get pregnant the first round. Never. Don't get me wrong, before the positive...I was irrevocably secure in the fact that we were ready for anything. 

But, as soon as the pink line of "your life is about to change" turned positive, my world came crashing down. 

I'm too young. I like my marriage the way it is. I don't want to share my perfect and amazing husband. My body is going to be unrecognizable. We were going on vacation. The house isn't sold yet! I was just about to transition to crossfit! I was gonna compete in the mudrun! I was starting to have recognizable abdominal muscles! A what has to come out of WHERE?!

I want to sit here and tell you that I was over the moon. That I was ecstatic. That I was hopelessly, helplessly, immediately in love. But, I wasn't. I was the most terrified I've ever been in my life. I felt like a child. I was guilty about this.

When I saw the baby on ultrasound, it was amazing. But, once he/she disappeared after the appointment, I went back to being shocked and in disbelief.

Then, I learned (after talking to MANY people)...this is kind of normal. Especially for first timers. With time and support, I've come to anticipate what the coming months and years have to offer. However, it's not been an immediate, life altering love. It's not like the movies. Unless the movie was The Exorcist (I was scared and projectile vomiting, let's be real). 

It's getting better. Trust me. The further I get, the more exciting it becomes.

2. You burp a lot.

Call me crazy, but I didn't expect that. Nor did I expect water to give me heartburn. Nor did I expect to ever HAVE heartburn. 

3. You actually feel like you have an alien in you.

No, I can't feel it yet. Duh. However, I feel WEIRD. 

There's no other way to explain it. My body absolutely does not belong to me. I don't even remember feeling normal after 5+4. It's like laying on a pillow, even though you aren't visibly showing. Feeling hung over 24/7. Not being able to poop. Peeing too much. Vomiting your life down the toilet. I remember wishing that I could bargain with God, "God, if you take this nausea away, you can chop off my left arm. I don't use it anyway. Please, please." I know that several times Timmy has looked at me so pitifully that I thought I was about to be buried. Coworkers actually told me that I looked like I had BEEN buried, then risen from the dead.

Luckily, a lot of this is starting to fade. I'm told my color is coming back nicely. 

4. Being absolutely terrified of being pregnant and not being pregnant at the same time.

Though I struggled and still sometimes struggle with feelings of disbelief and greif for my life as I know it...I am equally terrified of something happening to this baby. 

Every ultrasound is a sigh of relief, and a shock of reality. It's like living in two separate worlds. 

5. Be still and know that He is God.

I've had a real journey in trust. 

It's been eye-opening. 

To know that my Creator has trusted us with life, a precious human that He loves more than anything in the universe, is a true gift.

But anyway, I look forward to growing emotionally (partially physically) and experiencing this journey. It'll be an adventure. Everyone knows how much I like a good adventure.

I just can't wait to be swinging kettle bells again. 

TOMATO, THE HUBS.

In just a few short weeks, he begins a new journey as a series commander on Parris Island in Beaufort, SC. Our new home.

Our old home, is selling in a week and a half. We haven't even started packing yet. 

Timmy has been a lot more emotionally stable about the baby situation. He really is a rock. He brings me back down to earth when I'm passed Pluto. I can't imagine doing this without him here with me.

He is also very annoying. So handsome. Anger-inducing. Wonderful. 

I love hormones. 

THE BOYS.

Alpha is now a cat. 

Zero, loves everything...like always. 

 Song of the Day:

Captured by The Digital Age