I blame it on my A.D.D baby
ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.
...is so incredibly stressed out. I know there have been times where I've said that...and actually thought that it was the pinnacle of all accumulated stress I could ever feel, but I lied. This is. This is the most stressed out I can remember being in my entire life...or at least in recent history.
I'm having so many mixed emotions right now, if it's not one thing...it's another.
We're buying a house! I think. Maybe. Great, right? Not really. I love the house, it's everything I could have ever dreamed of. Everything that we need. It's beautiful. I just walk through it's unfinished walls and think, "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve something so beautiful. This will be taken from me. This will be taken from me because I don't deserve it. This can't be ours. Does Timmy really like this? Will his family hate me because he's not in Berkeley County? Will he hate me because it means that I'm ready to settle down and stay in one place?" Why? I don't know. All these fears are largely unreasonable. I think. I hope. Right?
"Will this VA loan get approved? Is this property specific power of attorney going to be good enough? This house can't be ours. Something is going to happen, it's not going to be ours. I can't be. It's too great. "
and then...
I miss my husband. God, how I miss my husband. I keep closing my eyes and imagining his hand in my hand. I keep touching his side of the bed and praying he would just be there. Magically, he'll just be there. I just have to squeeze my eyes shut tight enough and pray harder...and he'll just be there beside me. He'll tell me everything's okay and will work out. I'll get to have more than a 5 minute conversation with him. I don't take for granted that a lot of military spouses don't get that, but I just want a conversation, a decent and unrushed conversation. I just need to dial his phone number and get him on the other side. I just want to correct him when he says "wadder" instead of "water" again. I just feel like there's no end in sight. I'm becoming pathetic.
I just want to know that he's okay, that he's really okay. I would just know that if I could touch him. I would just know.
...and lastly, I just wish I would stop caring what other people think of our decisions. We're grown.
Wait...to top if off my face is broken out the worst it's EVER been. Ever.
I don't know what the point of this even was. I guess just to type it all out. To vent. Advice? To reaffirm my fears? Maybe so I can actually see how stupid I'm being?
Thank God that Lauren could get off work early today. Thank God she could stop me from panicking before it had a chance to really start.
I thank God for pumpkin cheesecake. I thank God for Zero. I thank God for my family, no matter the dynamic.
Friday, I swear I'm going to stay in my room the entire day. I won't come out. I'll just rest. I'll just curl up in our bed and do nothing...and worry about nothing. Right?
Song of the Day
Sail by AWOLNATION
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