Let me take you there.

Let me take you there.

ASHLEY, COMMANDING OFFICER.

Obviously, I've been putting this off for quite some time. So, instead of the week-by-week analysis of the third trimester of being a hippopotamus (cough), I mean PREGNANT we are going to break this down into two parts.

PART 1

THE WONDERFUL, GLORIOUS, AWESOME, 

OBVIOUSLY NOT TALKING ABOUT...

THE THIRD TRIMESTER OF PREGNANCY

I'm witty, amirite!? Anyway, here we go. If you don't like extremely candid accounts on some much too personal to share on the internet details, then this part is probably not for you. 

The third trimester has been chock full of things that I was not prepared and inadequately prepared for. Including, but not limited to:

• Extreme Fatigue: All these people were like, "You're going into the nesting phase! You'll get a boost of energy in this last trimester before that baby gets here!" Yeah, not so much. I've been calling the last 5 weeks my "hibernation phase" which involves very little actual sleep. But, as it were, I've literally got to force myself to roll off the couch to brush my teeth. Most days you can find me in a scary, braless state of unprecedented, disheveled appearance. You better believe that if I actually go anywhere, it's usually in oversized workout clothes which probably highlight way too much of my newly acquired , no-plastic surgery required, not as awesome in real life, boobies. But, the plus side of this stage of pregnancy is the "I don't really care" phase.
• Hemorrhoids: Yes, those are real. And no matter what people say, you are never quite prepared for the horror of realizing that this beautiful part of pregnancy involves Preparation H, really strange sitting positions, and swapping trade secrets with your grandparents.
• Am I supposed to be breathing all the time?: This is a natural process of being a living human being. Until you're pregnant. Then, you realize, "Hey, I didn't need to do that nearly as much as I thought I did!" I have had daydreams of trying out the newly acquired talent of not being able to breathe in a large body of water. However, I know that I am way too buoyant to actually require it. But, with that said, baby likes you to breathe better than he likes you to have food. When he gets the choice between oxygen, moving around and Mommy's full tummy? Tummy never wins. So here's a tip: Keep dog poop bags in your glove compartment. So handy! 
• Questionable "crafting": It's no secret that I spend a lot of time on pinterest. I've become quite obsessed with all things DIY. Sadly, this also includes some postpartum crafting! No, not cute handprint keepsakes for grandma, but a little treasure I like to call "padsicles." Look those up. I hear they're great for relief...um, down there, after pushing out a baby-melon. I think I'll be highly disappointed if I end up having a c-section. Not only because of my overwhelming desire for a vaginal birth, but because I spent a lot of time and energy on the padsicles. 
• Why are my legs numb?: Aww, heck yeah. Sometimes if I sit in the same position for approximately 2 minutes I get the pins and needles in my bilateral lower extremities. Then, I can't walk for about 5 minutes until it goes away. If you try to walk before that time period has elapsed, well, I hope you have comfortable carpeting. 
• Stretch Marks: Contrary to popular belief and the well-meaning remarks of your non-stretched out friends, family members, and fellow BiLo shoppers there is no actual way to prevent stretch marks. They are genetic. I have used bottles, tubs, pool sized amounts of Bio-Oil, Palmer's and coconut oil. I've tried everything. Guess what? They're still there. After several mental breakdowns, the threat of having surgery for the sake of my vanity and cursing my gene pool...I've also come to the "I don't really care" phase of pregnancy in regard to that as well. 
• You don't know me!!: An exclamation that you never thought you'd be pointing toward your doctor after weight gain lectures. Here it goes: I've gained 35 lbs. 35. There is no one more aware of that number than I am. But, no matter how well meaning the practitioner of my OB care is (or how large his death wish)...I'm a little touchy on the subject. I have never felt more physically drained in my life. Me, more than anyone, cannot wait to be swinging kettle bells again. Not to mention, jogging with this bougie new BOB jogging stroller (it's like a Ferrari ya'll). But, with that said, I've got approximately less than 2 weeks more of being preggers. If I want to eat the cow, I'm going to eat the damn cow. If I want to get the chocolate truffle-fried-gelato-bacon infused-7 tier cake. I'm doing it. Get off me.
• Itching: Why the heck am I so itchy? This is insanity. I think this is contributing to the fact that I can't sleep at night. Yesterday at the doc, he informed me "It'll go away after the baby gets out." "OMG GET HIM OUT OF ME BEFORE I CLAW HIM OUT" is what I was screaming in my head. Not going to lie, this has been misery. Something I didn't even foresee happening. No one warns you about that one. 
• Unsolicited Advice: I'll just leave that right there. I'm sure that, eventually, I will be one of these miscreants. 
• Sciatica!: Jolts of white hot lightening that start in your hip and jolt down your entire leg. Subsequently rendering you useless and causing you to lay on the floor, foaming at the mouth like you've just been on an episode of "Don't Taze Me Bro!"
• Cervix Checks: There are many reasons this is mortifying. First, I've not seen my nether regions in approximately 4 months and the last time I did look? I almost fainted. Second, and back to the white hot lightening analogy. Yeah, that also happens...in your woman parts. Then, when the medieval torture devices known as "fingers" are removed, they reward you with "You've had no change since last check." I am convinced, this above all things, is why most women leave the OB office in the last days crying because the baby hasn't come yet. All those above things are fodder when you consider the torture of having your cervix checked. But, the doctor kindly informed me, "No worries, that'll hurt a lot less when you get your epidural." **SOBS**

HONORABLE MENTION: Baby head butts to your who-ha, Judo kicks to your ribs, long-term prescriptions for fiber supplementation and acid reflux (aka more trade secret swapping with your grandparents!) , don't touch my Snoogle, and WHY AM I SEEEEWWWW SWEATY!?

But listen, this isn't all. With the third trimester, much more happens...and THEY'RE GOOD THINGS! I have no idea how all the above joys equated to the following realizations, but they did. For whatever reason, you find your heart changing here at the end. Maybe it's just me, maybe this happens to a lot of mothers way sooner in pregnancy. But, they happened for me right here at the end. So, here goes:

• The "I don't care" phase: I never realized in my "past life", how VAIN I was, how my self-esteem was a casualty to my perception of myself. Often, I was looking at a skinny, cute person in the mirror and all I saw were flaws that needed fixing, a centimeter of extra flab here, a wayward pimple there, etc. My brain magnetized these things, distorted them, and used them against myself in detrimental ways. However, here in the recent last weeks of being the largest, most uncomfortable person I've ever been I've come to this realization: My body is STRONG. My body has done something amazing. My husband loves me more because of this gift that only this body can give him. My body is going to be different when this baby gets here. But, my mindset has changed so that I realize that my body is capable of a lot more than I ever gave it credit for. It's crazy how a switch in your brain just goes off and you realize...who the heck cares? I don't. 
• I LOVE YOU. : Personally, I've spent the majority of my pregnancy in a constant state of disconnect with my baby. These emotions ranging from sadness to the point of sorrow, anger at God, grief for the passing of my youth, jealousy of having to share my husband, from going to an actual person to what can only be labeled as a uterus, anger at myself and at Timmy, bitterness and a plethora of other bad emotions and descriptive words. The SHAME I felt watching other mothers gush over their pregnancies, announcing their excitement and anticipation ATE at me. I just could not even wrap my head around why I was so ABNORMAL. I cannot count how many nights I would be up with Timmy, and all I would do was cry while he reassured me that "everything was going to be alright", that I wasn't a heartless freak.
  
  But, slowly...then rapidly my heart began to change. Over the past few weeks, days even, all I can think of is how much I want to protect Henry. What will I do when he falls and scrapes his knees? When I'm the only one who can kiss it to make it better? What color his little eyes will be. Will he want to play sports, piano, draw? What his laugh will sound like. What kind of man he'll be. Overwhelmingly though, is how much I want to love him and have him love me back. What kind of influence will I be?
  
  Now, I find myself in a state of constant anticipation. I just can't wait to get to know this kid. He'll probably be totally awesome. 
• I've got instincts?: Seriously, I tried to save a kid from a trail of ants the other day. I wouldn't have even noticed the ants in my past life. I would have had to been bitten by ants to even notice them. The force is strong with this one.

HONORABLE MENTION: Awesome hair (which I know will fall out in the next few months), supper cuddly dogs, beautiful maternity photos and a finished nursery.

PART II

"THE ACCIDENTAL STAY AT HOME WIFE/MOTHER/WHATEVER I AM"

So, through a lot of prayer, deliberation and acceptance of our real life circumstances...Timmy and I have come to the decision that I should, at this point, stay at home.

I don't really HAVE to justify the decision. But, I will. Timmy works 6-7 days a week during cycle. These days last anywhere between 12-16 hours per day (shorter hours on the weekends) and often require several duty days per week and at least one over night duty per month. There is absolutely no way we could ascertain childcare while I work 12 hours per day, 3 hours away.

I've always wanted to raise my children. Not that I have anything against those that utilize full-time day care. It's just not something that I ever desired for my family.

We save money.

I am far less stressed out.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I've had to deal with the guilt of still having to pay back student loans in this process, but hopefully by next Summer, those will be a non-issue. Also, I am finding it a struggle to deal with "the money is his money." This is a thought in my own head, not of my husband's. For whatever reason, I'm still in charge of the finances. But, it is pretty strange to know that I'm not financially contributing to our welfare anymore.

As far as the future? I'm not sure. I don't know if I'll ever be a nurse again. I don't know if I want to. All I can say for certain is that at one point in time, nursing is something I really enjoyed and perhaps, one day, will again. I think I was good at it. But, if I'm being honest with myself, it's not really something I get enjoyment out of anymore.

I've joined lots of things since we've moved here on base. I've become a member of the Officer Spouse Club, Stroller Warriors and have attended multiple Company/Battalion sponsored events. I'm part of a book club, have at least one (what I consider) really great friend who lives just down the road and have been maintaining house, cooking meals and crafting like a mad-woman. It's not been a bad adjustment for me. I actually love it, and apparently I've become a Fox Company favorite when it comes to baked goods being sent to work.  Also, I have a new found talent of looking at a cart of groceries and knowing when it gets to $100 worth. It's remarkable!

Maybe I'll pursue photography. 

Maybe I'll pursue writing.
Maybe I'll pursue interior design.

I've even toyed with the idea of starting my own REAL blog/website. Like professionally.
Maybe I'll work at a coffee shop. 

Maybe I'll go back to college for something completely and totally unrelated to everything.

Who knows?

Song of the Day:

Kashmir by Led Zepplin